New Beginnings

This new year, I’d really like to start getting into shape, but I know I’ll never do it. I’d also like to start medically transitioning, but it isn’t likely. The only thing I’m semi sure that I’ll complete in 2015 is getting a better job and a better car. And hopefully I create some meaningful art.

Baby pictures

People from the 1700’s probably didn’t have any baby pictures and that sucks because they’ll never know what they looked like as a baby. I wonder if they even cared? I think baby pictures are important and I’m glad my mother took about a million of me as a child so I can look at them and see how cute and innocent I was.

What We Found Years Later Under the Mattresses

Francis Scott Fitzgerald

His fingers were laced between the opening of the curtains in another woman’s house, searching inside for something better than what he already has. At home was the woman whose fingers were laced in the hair of another man who promised to love her exquisite body the way she deserved.

 

Both the man and woman torn between the decoration and golden picture frames of another life. Romanticizing the flowers which grew in another flower bed, perfectly content with the idea of leaving behind the dusty welcome mat which sat on the front porch, for the updated model home at the other end of the street. Every warm welcome was beginning to sound like an epitaph of something which once danced in the dining room, but had long since shriveled up and died like a plant left out of the sun for too long.

 

Candles burned on the sidewalks…

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Journal Entry

The nighttime society is much more my type. I don’t enjoy sunny days, or days in general. I like the dark, the wet streets with neon lights reflecting off of them. The sound of cars passing and the occasional horn honking. I prefer the adrenaline the night time brings. The concerts, sleepovers, midnight meet ups with your lover. Everything seems better with the lights reflecting off of the lake. Bye.

Dreams

My dream is to grow up and live on the very top floor of a large apartment complex in a big, overpopulated city. I want to wake up in the middle of the night and see the lights and the cars driving by. I’ll do anything to stay out of the suburbs, that would be hell for me. Someday I will live with my lover and we will sip on champagne and look out the window at our flickering lights.

Adversity

Adversity strikes different people in different ways. Fortunately, I haven’t been on the receiving end of misfortune very often in my life. Small things have happened to me that made me upset, but nothing really that noteworthy or life changing, probably because I’m privileged and I live in a nice area. But, to make this post worth reading, I will disclose one of the small insignificant bouts of misfortune that I’ve come across in life. Most people will develop depression, or other mental disorders in there life at one point or another, and I was a victim of it. In the 8th grade, I was very sad and I often even thought of suicide. I couldn’t figure out why I was so sad all of the sudden and it really worried me. I racked my brain looking for things to be sad about but I couldn’t find anything. Slowly, I started to realize that I wasn’t like most of the other girls in my grade, I felt different and it scared me. I searched on the Internet and I found that I was part of the LGBT community, and I felt okay with that. I thought i was bisexual at one point because I did feel attraction toward both males and females. After the summer of 8th grade, I started feeling this sadness all over again. I felt uncomfortable identifying as a bisexual female, I didn’t feel female at All. I looked up different things on the Internet like transgender, gender fluid, gender queer, etc. None of those really stuck with me except trans. I started to think for a while about how I felt and i came to the conclusion that i was female to male transgender and I had actually felt like this since I was little, I just hadn’t noticed it. The point of this story isn’t to educate you about trans issues or anything (even thought it might have, and If so that isn’t a bad thing) it was just a story about how i overcame my sadness and discovered my true self through a lot of research, tears, and advice from people online. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this lame story and got something useful out of it. Until next time 🙂